Mixed emotions

I'm not sure what I am going through at the moment.  I feel so lost and confused.  The world that I use to be so familiar with is at a blur.  I am no longer sure of what my future holds.  I everything that I have dreamed of is fading away.  I don't feel like I used to feel, I feel sad...depressed.  I always argue that depression is just a state of mind.  An allusion of the mind to distract of what life brings to you.  I need guidance, God where are you?  Or is it me that needs to find you?  I need more than a hug.  I need life and soul again.  Save me from my own distress.

Self torture

I'm sitting here waiting for his text that says that he wants to talk to me, but I know that is not gonna happen tonight.  There is this feeling looming over me.  I don't know how to control it.  I just wish he was by my side ad sometimes I wish I never let this get this far.  Who knew that it would be this difficult?  I sit here wishing he could reassure me every time a small doubt crept into my mind, every negative feeling that makes my stomach turn into endless vicious circles over and over again.  If only he knew the effect he has on me.  It's almost magic, evil but beautiful.  Honestly, I don't know what to think.

How can I continue to live this way?  To let myself be pushed around like a rag doll.  Damn these love songs.  How you make me want to crawl in a fetus position and hold myself tight.  Reassure myself that this is just a moment and hard time.  For me and him...hopefully.

Goodnight with a kiss.

No love found No love lost

How can one person whom I haven't met yet cause me so much distress?  I'm losing my mind, losing control.  He isn't aware of what he does to me.  I'm dying and rotting in the inside.  My green-eyed monster lurks around waiting for the perfect chance to attack.  He seems to get me every time.  No matter how many reminders I leave myself, the doubt is over bearing and contagious.   My heart seems to take a harder blow to the ground each day and honestly I don't know how I am surviving this torture.  Love is such a beautiful pain.  Miles away and everything you do is so close to my heart.  Every hit hurts as if it's close to me.  The emotional pain is just too much.  I don't want to let go.  You speak poetry that makes me melt.  I would let my pride fall to the ground just so we can be together.  My morals would be on the line of disappearing.  All for you, but it seems that you fail to realize what I feel.  What I need from you...that I need you by my side.  I see your hand fading from my reach.  As the wave comes closer you swim in deeper, harder for me to see you.  Your grasp disappears as the wind comes to take you and I feel is my heart hurting for your presence.  Call this silly, call me pathetic.  I believe that relationships are worthless and you seem to make this more believable.  The reality of it all doesn't seem appealing.  The teardrops won't fall but my face feels moist.  Time is just a reminder of what is being lost.  So many things to express but no breathe to use.  Sometimes I wish you could just read my mind.  Just know exactly what I am feeling, but you won't unless I tell you.  Your ears seem to be shut anyways, my mouth would be speaking in sign language.  P A I N and L O V E.  How similar and different you are.  

OMG.  HE IS COMING TO SEE ME DURING THE WEEKEND.  I am so excited to finally see him.  I have been waiting for this day for the longest!  I can't wait, nerves excite just thinking about it.  I haven't told anyone yet, but I'm going to tell my friends.  When he was telling me, I couldn't believe him.  HE IS COMING TO CALIFORNIA ALL THE WAY FROM MICHIGAN.  I love this man.  I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking about our encounter.  A million questions popped into my head.  My baby is coming to see me.  I hope to God that nothing interferes with his plan.  I am already happy, excited, nervous & if doesn't come it will all turn into disappointment and depression /: haha  What a great way to start springbreak.  I LOVE YOU BABY.  I love life right now.  What can get better than this?


HE DIDN'T COME THAT WEEKEND OR ANYTIME DURING MY SPRING-BREAK LIKE HE SAID HE WAS.  I NEVER FELT SO DISAPPOINTED IN MY LIFE THE DAY I FOUND OUT HE WASN'T COMING.

LDR

Who knew that I would be put in on of these situations.  He is from Michigan and I am from California.  We met online, Call of Duty: Black Ops.  We text and have phone calls every day.  We argue and annoy the hell out of each other over the most stupidest and smallest things.  I can't stand a day without hearing from him or speaking to him.  Just over a couple months and I feel like I have met my other half.  Nothing compares to this guy.  He makes me smile, laugh and giggle all the time.  He manages to make me smile even when I am mad at him.  I can't wait till he comes, he said he will come during spring break.  He says he can't wait too see me & I definitely can't wait to see him.  I have been reading endless ldr posts & it just makes me miss him even more.  I wish I had the opportunity to see him and just be close to him.  One thing that I most hate about this, is the jealousy.  He talks about other chicks and how they spend time with him and blah blah blah.  There is nothing more in this world that I would love to do then to be able to spend a couple minutes with him.  Just to feel his skin, his taste, smell his aroma.  My heart flutters when he calls me.  I could stare at his pictures for the longest and feel this nostalgic feeling in my heart.  It begins to hurt and my stomach starts revolting and it begins to tighten.  It could be one of the worst feelings in the world.  I haven't felt this way before.  Why must he be so far away and not at my reach?  Every night I dream about being close to him.  His arms around me, carrying me .....we are on the phone right now.  The biggest smile is on my face :D goodnight everyone.