Self torture

I'm sitting here waiting for his text that says that he wants to talk to me, but I know that is not gonna happen tonight.  There is this feeling looming over me.  I don't know how to control it.  I just wish he was by my side ad sometimes I wish I never let this get this far.  Who knew that it would be this difficult?  I sit here wishing he could reassure me every time a small doubt crept into my mind, every negative feeling that makes my stomach turn into endless vicious circles over and over again.  If only he knew the effect he has on me.  It's almost magic, evil but beautiful.  Honestly, I don't know what to think.

How can I continue to live this way?  To let myself be pushed around like a rag doll.  Damn these love songs.  How you make me want to crawl in a fetus position and hold myself tight.  Reassure myself that this is just a moment and hard time.  For me and him...hopefully.

Goodnight with a kiss.

No love found No love lost

How can one person whom I haven't met yet cause me so much distress?  I'm losing my mind, losing control.  He isn't aware of what he does to me.  I'm dying and rotting in the inside.  My green-eyed monster lurks around waiting for the perfect chance to attack.  He seems to get me every time.  No matter how many reminders I leave myself, the doubt is over bearing and contagious.   My heart seems to take a harder blow to the ground each day and honestly I don't know how I am surviving this torture.  Love is such a beautiful pain.  Miles away and everything you do is so close to my heart.  Every hit hurts as if it's close to me.  The emotional pain is just too much.  I don't want to let go.  You speak poetry that makes me melt.  I would let my pride fall to the ground just so we can be together.  My morals would be on the line of disappearing.  All for you, but it seems that you fail to realize what I feel.  What I need from you...that I need you by my side.  I see your hand fading from my reach.  As the wave comes closer you swim in deeper, harder for me to see you.  Your grasp disappears as the wind comes to take you and I feel is my heart hurting for your presence.  Call this silly, call me pathetic.  I believe that relationships are worthless and you seem to make this more believable.  The reality of it all doesn't seem appealing.  The teardrops won't fall but my face feels moist.  Time is just a reminder of what is being lost.  So many things to express but no breathe to use.  Sometimes I wish you could just read my mind.  Just know exactly what I am feeling, but you won't unless I tell you.  Your ears seem to be shut anyways, my mouth would be speaking in sign language.  P A I N and L O V E.  How similar and different you are.